Edelweiss

This was an email sent to me by Edel during my glory days of IRC in ChatNet

i happen to stumble upon it today and thought of posting it here for preservation…

***

April 30, 2004

Heindell,

I don’t really know where to start. I couldn’t even understand why I have to write this. But I just feel like doing this would somehow make me feel good, whether you bother to read this or not. Though we may not even had the chance to really become friends, your being offended by my insensitivities is quite disturbing me.

You see, I have grown in an environment full of warmth and love. I’m home with a sweet and caring brother, and loving and supportive parents, who provided me things beyond my needs. I go to work daily being greeted by the joyfulness and respect of my colleagues. Finally, I was a proud recipient of a gentleman’s love and devotion. It’ll be a sin to ask for more. My friends would even say my life is not a very colorful one, because it only has one color, a vibrant, glowing and happy one. Not exciting eh? No negative, no nothing.

The one and only boyfriend I’ve had, we’d been going steady for seven years, since my 18^th birthday. His family and other closed relatives are all in Canada already. Three years ago, his petition papers being fully processed, he left for Canada leaving me with a promise that he would be coming back for me. For a year that he was there, everything was normal, normal to us being “inseparable”, every time being aware of what the other’s doing. But he just disappeared. I was totally clueless. When he again appeared, the man of character I knew for so long was crying like a boy asking for my forgiveness. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. For the first time in my life, I cried not over a sad movie or story or a love letter. It was the strangest feeling. I began to question myself. Is this the price of being pure? Had I been “ungiving”? Throughout the years that we’re together we’ve been upright, in the aspect of physical intimacy. It was difficult. There came a time when the temptation to do it was so strong that we nearly had done it, but still reason prevailed. Twice did he ask me to marry him, the last time he’s already in Canada. I loved him dearly but I felt I was not ready. It turned out to be my biggest regret. My parents even wanted me to follow him there because they were worried about the change in me. I became kinda numb, leaving the house and going home from the office like a robot.

Well, as what they say, time heals all wounds. I’m not saying I’m healed but at least I’m starting to move on. I read a lot, and music has been a very good therapy.

And then came mIRC. It was fun, chatting with people with different backgrounds, sometimes stumbling with some people whom there’s a possibility of having a serious relationship with. But like what I’ve told you, I don’t stay long in one channel, I keep on hopping and hopping. But that’s because I’m really not looking. Or so I thought…

Then came you. We’ve chatted long only once but it was great, at least for me. For the first time I felt like I wanted to be me and stay. Yes I’ve heard a lot about you, mostly negative, but I told myself, hey! It’s okay for a friend.

But I thought it was. Not for anything, but I was kinda affected when I saw you and your gf chatting so sweetly in the channel. I asked myself, why be affected? They’ve been them long before you became aware that this channel even exists. But I would have started hopping again when you told me that I was offending you. And when you stopped talking to me, you said it was my doing and it’s what I deserve. It may be nothing to you but again, for the second time, I feel regrets.

But again knowing the fact that you already have an involvement, and I might hurt some people in the course of my developing a friendship with you, I might as well not (and as if you’re interested). And like what you said, I’m just getting what I deserve, but do I?

Of course, I know what you’ll say. But why am I writing you this? Nothing, maybe I just want you to stop for a second and understand that it’s not really my intention to offend you. If you hadn’t make me feel unwanted anymore, I would have love to stay. But til then, learning a lesson from what I’ve done, the way you put it, I would just have to go back to my books and my records, and keep IRC in its place in my pc, in the recycle bin.

Hey! Nice knowing a part of you! Just want you to know, I’ve saved a very small portion of my heart just for lordstein and lordstein alone, whoever he might be…. =)

Edelweiss

*****

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